Showing posts from January, 2010

Say it's not so

In General Psychology we're learning about personality types and how we perceive ourselves as unique individuals. Everyone goes through stages to reach their ideal personality, and there were many common desired personalities of a self-actualized individual. My professor began reading the list of the self-actualized characteristics when he reached the last one,

"Simplicity and spontaneity"

My brain started fumbling over the two. I've been thinking a lot about these two traits lately and they're things that I strive for personally and I've intentionally placed myself in a circle of friends who feel the same. Then the next words that came from my professors mouth put a heavy damper on my thoughts, "Sorry ladies, we as men aren't spontaneous and never will be. (laugh) But you always wish we were and try to change us." The boys sitting next to me began laughing and whispering. I'm almost positive I heard them whispering in agreement.

Really? Say …

Note to self:

I was sitting in the third and fourth grade classroom today grading papers in the back during science. The home room teacher was talking about blood pressure and heart rate when a boy said, "My sister has a very high blood pressure... (pause) I think the doctor said she was... obese?" Then another girl said, "Oh, my mom is on a healthy food diet because she is fat and wants to be skinny. She says that it will make my daddy happy." As the subject continued to expand to the effects of nicotine on the heart another girl mentioned, "Oh, I know what nicotine is... it's in cigarettes. My dad has to smoke because it makes him calm." Another boy said, "Isn't nicotine in tattoos? Because my mom has a tattoo on her butt. Is that unhealthy?" I tried to remember if I had ever said embarrassing things like these, about my parents when I was in the third and fourth grade. I had no recollection but I now know that in the future I will limit the topics…
Tonight I listened to a friend speak for vespers. One thing he said, that really got to me, was this: "We don't hang out with our best friend out of guilt, if we did it wouldn't be fun." Yes, this is true. Why then do I feel guilty when I don't spend time with God. Why would God want to spend time with me if I only hang out with him because I don't want to feel guilty later? I don't know why or how the switch can flip so quickly. One week God and I are best friends and when we hang out, it's awesome! The next week I get too busy, there's no time, and I feel guilty. Why would I want to be in a forced relationship where guilt is the reason to continue? Listening to my friend speak tonight reminded me of my fairytale relationship with God I had this last summer at camp. I would wake up every morning before anybody else. The cool, fresh mountain air, the lake covered with fog, and the sun tucked behind the trees. I would sit and wait for God's voi…

Left, right, up and down

Today my body is weak. Not because I'm sick or sore from working out, but from emotions that have been pulling me left and right and up and down all week long. Literally, seconds will go by and my emotions will fluctuate from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows, all day long, from dawn to dusk. I saw a video on child trafficking that made me angry. I heard about my sisters spiritual growth from a weekend retreat that made me feel excited and slightly envious. I watched a clip from Haiti that made me cry and feel useless. My trip to India was finalized and I cried tears of joy. I wrote letters and pictures to orphans at Sweet Home and my heart broke wishing I could be with them. We started a girls study group and shared our stories, my heart was glad to hear that others understand. I looked at plane tickets from North India to South and my heart sunk to my stomach when I read the cost of airfare. I looked at my Friday night and saw that I had nothing scheduled and felt fear …

A Mistake

A HUGE mistake... can I put extra stress on the HUGE part! I've made a lot of mistakes, but this was the biggest one I've made in a while. Not that it was just me that made the mistake, but us. We both took part in it, Emily and myself, when we read this sign:

What? This has got to be a joke! So we pulled over and checked out a map from a gas station. We laughed because it would have been awfully embarrassing to cry when we saw that we were on the shores of Washington just a few miles West of Olympia, when this whole time we thought we were on a direct route from Portland to Walla Walla. So, we called a friend who burst into laughter when she found out where we were, but was thoughtful enough to put us on the right track. We pulled into our small college town at 10 pm, but what a fun trip! A mistake... but maybe not, because i wouldn't change a thing.

There were a couple of guys that made a HUGE, even bigger than ours, mistake once. Sergey and Larry had put a lot of time and…

Another night

Every night's the same... I lay my head on the pillow, fists clenched in a ball, eyes pressed tightly shut, legs curled up to my chest, quick and shallow breaths, and a locked up heart. As I lay in bed every night my memory ponders the days events and attempts to recall my faults... my cutting words, negative sarcasm, and thoughts of judgement and fear, and doubt.

Last night was different, for the first time in months my hands were open, eyes gazing upward, long deep breaths, relaxed. I felt loved, accepted and faultless for the first time. In the company of 5 optimistic and uplifting girls for the weekend in Portland. We fell asleep with a snap of a finger, in the presence of one another after sharing a long drive from Walla Walla and some good laughs in the hot tub.

Today I wished my good friend Emily "GOOD LUCK!" as she strolled out the door, looking like a million bucks for her interview for PA school! Then wished Trina a safe trip to church at PAA where she met othe…


Love wholeheartedly, be surprised, give thanks and praise - then you will discover the fullness of your life.
- David Steindl-Rast

When I finally felt my mature bone growing out of my childhood at around age 13 it was an uncomfortable growing time. I started pretending that things weren't so cool anymore or maybe that I was too cool for everything else. One time my dad bought tickets to a Dixie Chicks concert, who happened to be my favorite band of all time, after I turned 14. Everything inside of me wanted to shriek and shout for gratitude and excitement when he surprised me with the tickets just hours before. Instead... I brushed it off like no big deal, "Oh. Hey, thanks dad!" When really I could have peed my pants! This kind of stuff would happen all the time.
Within the last year a friend surprised me with an opportunity to go to my second NFL game... My heart suddenly got excited and everything inside of me wanted to show excitement and shout words of gratitude, but i…