Showing posts from March, 2010


Smells are the best memory reservoir. The plane reminds me of being sick and soon after I feel sick! Bleh! So 21 hours in flight kept my stomach empty and my head aching. I sat next to a boy on my flight to Newark who was coming home for Spring Break from his Jewish school in Denver to meet his baby sister for the first time. He gave me an over head tour of New York as we flew over, the closest I've ever been to the infamous NYC, but I saw the Statue of Liberty.

I got to Delhi took a strong whiff of the humid, congested, body odor polluted air that reminded me of the big Indian cities. It made me feel dirty and tired as if on command. We drove to our hotel with the windows down, wind blowing my hair and it reminded me of all the times we travelled on the trains. When I took a shower later that night I finally felt clean again, until I saw the long, thick black hair laying on a shelf as if to remind me that nothing is ever "clean" in India.

We took a 5 hour drive to and f…
I'm unmotivated to pack. I'm afraid to let my mind wander in to the next two weeks. I'm avoiding saying goodbye.

But when I pick something up to set in my suitcase, let my mind jolt forward for a quick second, or say a casual 'see you later!' the handles of the barricaded doors are slowly turned and the shouts escape from the cracks.

I'm tired of the noise, I'm tired of the crowds, the pressure, the stress. What if I don't want to come back? The heart does crazy things, impulsive things. I'm excited to see what crazy things this heart of mine does in the next couple of weeks. Be free, heart!

I don't know how often I'll get to write while I'm gone, but I will as much as I can! Thanks friends for all of you prayers!

Trash bins over flowing with fast food and energy drinks...

Empty sidewalks, congested libraries...

Fewer Facebook updates...

More coffee mugs...

Late nights...

Early mornings...

Must be finals week. What a telltale of a time... Something we'll never forget. I look forward to telling my children all about finals week one day. The stress, the anxiety, the anticipation.

But more than that I'm looking forward to my very last week of finals. I have 6 more "finals" weeks before I'm finished at WWU, and it makes me excited. I've just recently decided to tack on an extra 2-4 years of school, which could add another 6 more "finals" weeks. But one day it will finally be worth it... and I'll have a lot more experience and a lot more stories for my kids.


I don't know why I'm running, or what I'm running from.
I've turned off my phone. Wish I could smash it, so I could have a reason for not being contacted.
Wish I didn't have a car. So I could have an excuse for not being able to make it.
Wish I could avoid the sidewalks, so I wouldn't need an excuse for my silence.
I'd like to stay in India for Spring quarter, so that I have an excuse for being MIA.
Wish I could pause life, stop the spinning... look up, and walk.


So my inner being has wanted to listen to music a lot lately. Because a song can evoke all of these feelings that we bottle up SO darn well! But I'm tired of the songs about love and heartbreak... they aren't relevant to me right now. The secular music has gotten old and all sounds so monotonous. But I found this song while listening to Pandora and felt content with my choice of music for the first time in a while and these lyrics have played through my head all day.

by Alli Rogers
It’s eight hours later in Tanzania.
When Jen lays down
Mary’s just opening her eyes.
Her child’s feet land on the ground
and dirt scatters,
And she feels left out in the open,
always left out in the open.
She says, “son, wear my shoes to school today”.
He turns and smiles and walks away,
and she thinks to herself…

Someday I will wake
where the earth is clean and safe.
My children have a place to play,
not here in Tanzania.
And someday I will live
in a house that’s built by
hands that hold the world.

"It feels as though I'm dreaming,
As if I cannot wake myself"
The words repeated nearly a year past,
They echo still in the distance.

I might still be in this trance,
If the love hadn't been wrung out,
Hung up to dry in the cold,
Where active zeal slowly dripped from the line.

It's beginning to warm again,
Come down from the line,
Retain that zeal that was lost
Before it disappears into the dry ground.

Are you dreaming up there?
Or dying?
Release yourself and come down,
Claim that which is yours.

Right size

Shoe shopping... clothes shopping... any shopping... a negative experience with a mother, such as my mom, and a daughter, such as myself. In fifth grade we spent an entire afternoon shopping for a pair of dress shoes. We came home, empty handed, a headache for her and tears for me. It's the decisions... the color is good, but the style is off. The style is good, but the fit is off. The fit is good, but the color is off.

I thought the flip-flop decision making ended with shoes, but I've been doing it for the past three years. One direction looks right, but doesn't feel good. Another feels right, but doesn't meet expectations. Another meets expectations, but doesn't look right. So the day ends, empty handed, except the headache and tears.

I wish someone would take me to the perfect shoe.


Time, where have you gone? 3 years ago I had a fresh slate. Walked out with a High school diploma. Ready to conquer the world. Nothing on my plate and free to dish up whatever I like. Now I'm sitting on the floor of my room looking at

an unsigned, 12 week, job contract for the summer

a folder stuffed with LLU enrollment forms

a paper with all my past (wasted) credits taken for nearly 3 different areas of study

a task force dean application for 2010-11

the book I'm suppose to have read for class in an hour

a list of contacts for the peace corps

my daily planner, without a break in this Wednesday to breath

my cup of tea. Half empty or half full?

the clock, with seconds quickly disappearing

my bible turned to Jeremiah 33:3, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Time. Where did you go? I once was naive in your presence. But now I feel threatened by you.