Showing posts from June, 2010


I read blogs and facebook posts when I get a few seconds to browse. I check messages and the seldom texts before I crawl into bed around 1. Blogs, facebooks, messages, texts, emails... the only things that connect me. Right now the relationships that mean the most to me are long distance, or are they non-existant? Spans of land separate us. Or am I just imagining something magical that doesn't exist? I can't sit down to a generous conversation without a billion and one things running through my mind and stealing my heart. I don't feel whole anymore. I want to care, and I want someone else to care. I want to sit down with a best friend and iron out the wrinkles for hours. But maybe after a nap.


Photo by: Caressa Rogers
In my ideal world this isn't where I would choose to be. I would have chosen security over risk. Retracting rather than stretching. Love over heartbreak. Confidence over humility. Comfort rather than adjustment. There's a path that I imagine for myself and it's beautiful and all around perfect. But I look around the path that I'm on and it's nothing what I imagined, but I'm so happy and at peace.

This morning I asked God to speak to me. To show me where to go and what to do, but mostly to prove that He was still there.

Tonight a fellow staff member approached me and told me that God had given her a message that morning for me and He asked her to relay it. She said that God told her to tell me that... He sees me and that I have never once left His vision. He is captivated with me and will never stop loving me. He has never left my side and never will. That was all it took for me to pull off my mask of resilience. I'm weak and vulnerable…

Fearful duty

It's a windy day on the beaches of Hayden Lake, I hopped in the cool and choppy water this morning to demonstrate the missing camper drill for several new staff. Clearing the dock was one of my most fearful duties as a first year lifeguard, and today I remembered why I had been so afraid.

With my eyes closed behind goggles, I counted down, "3, 2, 1..." Then I plunged my shivering body under the dark waters and my lungs began to beg for the warmer air. Before I broke through the surface on the other side of the dock, my mouth obeyed the call of my lungs and gasped open for air only to fill them with water. After breaking through the water I tried to suppress the choking and regain my swimmer composure, all the while big waves throwing themselves on top of me, seemingly trying to tackle me back under.

Now my stomach is sloshing with lake water and I feel slightly weak. But somehow I'm pushing through! 13 of the 14 dramas needed for the next 12 weeks are edited and cast…

Heart of the matter

Sometimes the heart needs to cry, wants to cry, but there’s simply no place to cry. Sometimes irritability, silence, avoidance, distress, heartache, and exhaustion are the only places the heart can find, but none of these are the comfort it needs to shed a tear.


Last night I locked my keys in my car. There, in my car, secured away nice and tight, was my life. My climbing gear, my computer, my wallet (with my ID), my homework, my planner, and last but not least my keys (to my car and house). How do I always land myself into these situations? I think I’m being responsible with my head on straight and then I get lost in the moment… locking my keys in the car.

Play grounds and contraptions

Teeter-totters have never been my favorite jungle gym contraption. I'd run for something a little more exciting. The merry-go-round is so exhilarating with the crowds of people all moving at a fast speed, everyone takes a turn spinning and riding and sometimes being dragged through the gravel. You hold on for dear life not knowing if you'll be a survivor when the ride ends. Sometimes it's fun to play solo, you can go as slow or fast as you want, lay in the middle or lean off the edge and if you get sick and need to stop, you just do it. The teeter-totter though, is only for one other person, and so much of the game depends on the person sitting opposite. Fun, but a controlled fun. After playing on the teeter-totter alone you can learn to balance the board independently, it's a lot of work, but when you get the hang of it, you get the hang of it and it's not too bad.

I wish I could stop the time on my teeter totter right now, before my co-partner hops off. It's …