It's easier to look back right now. I look back and see an open door full of opportunity, sorta like the one I see right now. But looking back it was easier then. The view isn't full of overwhelm, but it looks more like freedom. It was a beautiful frame of broken pieces being liberated. She didn't know that then. But now, looking back ... that was easy ... easier than what's ahead.
People tell me that my anxiety about the future beyond next week is related to maturity,
"When you're my age you'll see it differently."
"It changes when you turn 30."
"Don't worry, it gets better." (what?)
Okay, so if you're right, if it is maturity, what am I suppose to do for the next four years? And shouldn't their be some kind of progress? And why does the idea of anything beyond the next couple of weeks make me want to run far away toward solace? If it is maturity, wouldn't you expect to see some "maturing" from age 6 to 26?
And if you're wrong? If it doesn't get better how does one cope? Somehow, I'm not sure running away is going to work forever. In fact, I know it's not going to work this time.
When I run away and shut off my phone and ignore emails, texts, phone calls, or other social networks ... am I going to outgrow that on the magical day of April 16, 2019? Suddenly, then, I will be more mature and able to cope with it all. Every text will magically be responded to, every call will be answered or returned, and every invite or message will be RSVPd or replied to. If that's the case, bring on 30, because this whole anxiety thing is ruining all kinds of current and future things. If it's an age thing, I might be interested in trading in 4 years of my 20's to have it all rest.
They tell me that I need to plan, because that's what 26 year-old-adults do. If you want to have a job and keep it, or be married and have kids, or own houses or vehicles, you need to plan and be responsible. You can't wait and expect things to fall in your lap every time. You have to work on your plans. And if you can't do that, then you need to tell people so they're not disappointed when you don't come through for them (what I hear - "tell them you're too selfish and they shouldn't count on you"). They're right, I've let a lot of people down in my time. Just in the last week I've not responded to a few calls, several texts, and I said I would make plans for last weekend and I didn't, twice I even made plans and never followed through, just didn't show up. I love the people I made plans with, or who texted and called me. I really do. But somehow the weight of everything (grad school, teaching, grading, sleeping, exercising, and eating) is more than I can plan around. It's like a boulder that I'm constantly dodging around to get the bare necessities done.
I hope this is a maturity thing. Maybe I put too much on my plate. Maybe I need to grow up, and if you have a kind tip to share my ears are open. If you only have brash words of my selfishness, you can keep it for someone stronger than me. If you get this and get me, I'd love to hear how you cope with the rest of the world who doesn't. And if you're looking for a way to cope too, lets be friends.
This morning I read something for those of us who are waiting for things to get easier:
"When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow (anxieties) now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you." (John 16:21-23)
One day it will be easier, we won't need to plan or ask for anything with those knots in every muscle of our body. A student told me last week, "Ms. Rhuman, guess what I'm going to do when I get to heaven! I'm going to break my glasses. You know why? Because I won't need them. My eyes will be perfect!"
Yep. We will be perfect. I can't even comprehend what that means. The impossible will be possible.