Spin to Sprint
Balancing is an act for those who practice it right. Because we know that practice doesn't make perfect, but practice makes permanent. And what we know today, is that nothing is permanent. Permanence is a thing of the days before the unexpected. Before two towers collapsed in the great NYC. Before beautiful, young girls were kidnapped from their families and sold to strangers. Before the deadly waves of Allison, Sandy, or Katrina tore us apart. Before our unity broke. Maybe this act of balancing has been misunderstood. Perhaps we spend our lives searching for a perfect balance of purpose, love, and put-togetherness that only disappears as quickly as the ocean foam that disintegrates as it blows across the sand.
Balance makes me feel safer than anything. Solid. Peaceful. Accountable. Responsible. Beautiful. Worthy. Unfortunately, I can't quite absorb that balance, nor what it feels like to be any of those things that come with standing in one place on just one foot, while the wind whirls around. I believe this is why I'm crazy enough to wake up at 4 every morning. It is nearly the middle of the night, but if I am dedicated to one thing in sickness, soreness, brokenness, or peacefulness it is that hour in the darkness. I believe it is my weapon in this battle for an impossible balance.
With the changes that quickly approach as the days turn into weeks this balancing thing is more like a tossing from side to side. "What in the world is going on?" they ask. My hands are in the air and the wheel spins before me. I wish I could answer their questions, my question, before we fall. Maybe if I decorated they would feel better about these flaws. Because decorating always makes things look better, more homey. Isn't 'homey' what we're all looking for somewhere? Somewhere we feel safe, relaxed, and for once aren't reminded of the cold, dead walls that so often lock us in, or shut us out.
Cinco de Mayo came and went faster than I remembered. Last May 5 I was substituting 5th and 6th grades, planning for summer camp, and packing to move to another state. It's good to remember the past. I remember. This May 5 we started by making delicious Salvadorian pupusas in our small home-ec kitchen for Spanish class. The fried bread oils hung to our scarves like cologne and we opened the doors and windows to let in something cleaner. We went outside to be under the warm sun and as one student looked up he began to spin under the blue sky, losing his balance and attracting the rest of them. Before long one spin turned into a competition of spinners and sprinters. And before much longer I myself was deceived into the game of balance. As we found, it was anonymous, to sprint after spinning was impossible. Hilarious, but impossible.
We attempt to run forward, pretending like nothing has happened, but deeper than the surface something is still not right. We are dizzy. I'll wait to decorate because there's still a lot of moving going on. How do you move forward when you're not sure which direction is forward? One day we'll have eternal peace and balance, until then let's look up to the sky and spin, and laugh, then stop and wait for discernment before we try to sprint again.
Balance makes me feel safer than anything. Solid. Peaceful. Accountable. Responsible. Beautiful. Worthy. Unfortunately, I can't quite absorb that balance, nor what it feels like to be any of those things that come with standing in one place on just one foot, while the wind whirls around. I believe this is why I'm crazy enough to wake up at 4 every morning. It is nearly the middle of the night, but if I am dedicated to one thing in sickness, soreness, brokenness, or peacefulness it is that hour in the darkness. I believe it is my weapon in this battle for an impossible balance.
With the changes that quickly approach as the days turn into weeks this balancing thing is more like a tossing from side to side. "What in the world is going on?" they ask. My hands are in the air and the wheel spins before me. I wish I could answer their questions, my question, before we fall. Maybe if I decorated they would feel better about these flaws. Because decorating always makes things look better, more homey. Isn't 'homey' what we're all looking for somewhere? Somewhere we feel safe, relaxed, and for once aren't reminded of the cold, dead walls that so often lock us in, or shut us out.
Cinco de Mayo came and went faster than I remembered. Last May 5 I was substituting 5th and 6th grades, planning for summer camp, and packing to move to another state. It's good to remember the past. I remember. This May 5 we started by making delicious Salvadorian pupusas in our small home-ec kitchen for Spanish class. The fried bread oils hung to our scarves like cologne and we opened the doors and windows to let in something cleaner. We went outside to be under the warm sun and as one student looked up he began to spin under the blue sky, losing his balance and attracting the rest of them. Before long one spin turned into a competition of spinners and sprinters. And before much longer I myself was deceived into the game of balance. As we found, it was anonymous, to sprint after spinning was impossible. Hilarious, but impossible.
We attempt to run forward, pretending like nothing has happened, but deeper than the surface something is still not right. We are dizzy. I'll wait to decorate because there's still a lot of moving going on. How do you move forward when you're not sure which direction is forward? One day we'll have eternal peace and balance, until then let's look up to the sky and spin, and laugh, then stop and wait for discernment before we try to sprint again.
That is something I feel I learned too late in life... nothing is permanent. But it's good! Change is good! I think there are those constant things in our lives though that make change easier, like family, friends, memories, adventure. I am excited for your change! I love you Tina! Good thoughts :)
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