1844
The year 2014 has contributed much to my education of the "real" world. Life in the "real" world is hard. There are too many decisions to make. Too many plans to finish. And far too much heartbreak. I'm rather disappointed. In fact, I'm so shockingly disappointed, that I'd consider calling it anger. I'm angry about all of these disappointments. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes.
The other week my counselor told me I need to let myself feel angry and upset to prevent melt downs. This is practice. My disappointments anger me. I'm disappointed because I thought teaching would be more social and less isolating. I'm disappointed because my best friend and I don't speak anymore. I'm disappointed because I thought I was where God wanted me.
I've learned a lot about disappointments though. I'm reading from a book I received from The One Project last month. In it Pastor Alex Bryan shares a section on The Great Disappointment of 1844. He writes:
"Here is truth: disappointments clarify, purging the streams of our lives I substance that might have clouded them. The disappointments of our lives bring sharper vision. They enable us to see who we are and what we are about. They make the hearts of men and women transparent."
What do we know about the disappointments of our church founders? It was their sorrow that pulled back the curtain that covered the deepest places from within their souls. What was it they desired the most? To see Jesus. To be with Jesus. How did the disappointment affect them? Pain made their desire clear. They were refocused on their purpose: Jesus.
"Here is truth: disappointments clarify, purging the streams of our lives I substance that might have clouded them. The disappointments of our lives bring sharper vision. They enable us to see who we are and what we are about. They make the hearts of men and women transparent."
What do we know about the disappointments of our church founders? It was their sorrow that pulled back the curtain that covered the deepest places from within their souls. What was it they desired the most? To see Jesus. To be with Jesus. How did the disappointment affect them? Pain made their desire clear. They were refocused on their purpose: Jesus.
I'm disappointed. So disappointed that somedays all I can do is cry when I walk into my classroom. So disappointed my heart has convinced my body it's okay to be sick for over 2 months. I desire to serve. I desire my best friend, someone to share my life with. I desire purpose. I desperately desire community. And I want a desire to see Jesus. There's a lot I still have to learn. But all we can do is take one painful disappointment at a time and from there we can uncover our truest desires, what it is our Christ-formed hearts love. And what does that reveal about us?
"I desire to serve. I desire my best friend, someone to share my life with. I desire purpose. I desire community. And I want a desire to see Jesus."
ReplyDeleteSeems we share quite a few of the same desires my friend. It hurts my heart to read about how disappointing life is being to you. When we're young nobody tells you how hard it will be because maybe they don't want to dash our high hopes. Life is full of disappointments. Life is full of joyful moments. Recently, I've had several disappointments as well, honestly I think they're stacking themselves on top of each other repeatedly lately in order to build my faith or get some point across that I'm not recognizing. We can only hope things will get better, more smiles will come, and Jesus will come soon to wipe away all our tears.
Be strong, my friend. Tears don't equal weakness. They only mean recognition of real emotion running through you. I'm so sorry you're feeling this agony and disappointment. The time of year is NOT an easy one either so that adds a pile of emotion in itself. Rain, rain, go away! Love you! Perhaps it's time for a weekly massage. That's a perk to our benefits package! Indulge, dear girl. xo Call me anytime! Day or NIGHT. I want to know how you're doing.
ReplyDeleteAHHH Tina you strike so many familiar chords with me in this post. I too was afraid to feel anger and then I would have these melt downs where tears would not stop falling from my face. Then I started to allow myself to be angry and man it felt soooo good!! There is cleansing in being able to feel those emotions rather than burying them away. I am really proud of you and all you are learning. You are always in my thoughts and I love you soo much!!
ReplyDeleteFeel REAL LOUD. We need one of our deep talks and big laughs kind of hang out.
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