Loving is Hard
The weeks add up so quickly, still I can still taste the faint molasses stick of others. I can't believe it's been 6 months since I moved to Oregon to teach. I can't believe it's been a month since my last blog post. It's been less than a month since I had breakfast with my girl friends. But I can't believe it's only been a week since I kissed my sister, my best friend, goodbye. It's only been a handful of days since I dropped the man of my dreams off at the airport and had to drive myself home. It's only a been a nights sleep since I felt together we could conquer the world.
When I woke up this morning, just two hours ago, there was a very heavy thing sitting inside of me, pinning me to the mattress. A giant bolder, covered in molasses. And I'd like to offer myself a bit of self-pity, since I have nobody else to pull it from at this moment from where I sit here at my tiny desk in this dark corner. I am alone in this dark corner. Nobody else feels the tightness of my throat as I swallow hard. Why do hard things come in lonely dark corners? Why can't they come in the openness where everyone congregates by the fire?
There's so much to be done. But this boulder will not budge. So I open up the only thing I have left, this old book with the binding that always opens to a well-loved verse. It's just instinct for this old book spine, to collect the dust here and commiserate with the old reader's joys and heartaches.
Seize life! Eat bread with gusto,
Drink wine with a robust heart.
Oh - yes God takes pleasure in your pleasure!
Dress festively every morning.
Don't skimp on colors and scarves.
Relish life with the ones you love
Each and every day of your precarious life.
Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange
For the hard work of staying alive.
Make the most of each one!
Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily!
This is your last and only chance at it,
For there's neither work to do nor thoughts to think
In the company of the dead, where you're most certainly headed.
(Eccl. 9:7-10)
It seems like a mistake to be separated from the ones you love, doesn't it? But I'm reminded from time to time that Jesus has called us to make new loved-ones and keep placing their hearts in a safe place that will keep until we go Home together. It won't be much longer. There's no time to wait for our loneliness to dissipate, or for the loveable to be loved. There's a whole world to love and it starts today with the first student who comes through my door. Jesus, help me. Help us.
When I woke up this morning, just two hours ago, there was a very heavy thing sitting inside of me, pinning me to the mattress. A giant bolder, covered in molasses. And I'd like to offer myself a bit of self-pity, since I have nobody else to pull it from at this moment from where I sit here at my tiny desk in this dark corner. I am alone in this dark corner. Nobody else feels the tightness of my throat as I swallow hard. Why do hard things come in lonely dark corners? Why can't they come in the openness where everyone congregates by the fire?
There's so much to be done. But this boulder will not budge. So I open up the only thing I have left, this old book with the binding that always opens to a well-loved verse. It's just instinct for this old book spine, to collect the dust here and commiserate with the old reader's joys and heartaches.
Seize life! Eat bread with gusto,
Drink wine with a robust heart.
Oh - yes God takes pleasure in your pleasure!
Dress festively every morning.
Don't skimp on colors and scarves.
Relish life with the ones you love
Each and every day of your precarious life.
Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange
For the hard work of staying alive.
Make the most of each one!
Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily!
This is your last and only chance at it,
For there's neither work to do nor thoughts to think
In the company of the dead, where you're most certainly headed.
(Eccl. 9:7-10)
It seems like a mistake to be separated from the ones you love, doesn't it? But I'm reminded from time to time that Jesus has called us to make new loved-ones and keep placing their hearts in a safe place that will keep until we go Home together. It won't be much longer. There's no time to wait for our loneliness to dissipate, or for the loveable to be loved. There's a whole world to love and it starts today with the first student who comes through my door. Jesus, help me. Help us.
Oh friend, we need to see each other. I miss laughing with you!
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