Wandering

-
I guess I would call this past weekend a long weekend. It was packed full. For the most part. And when I called my parents at 6:30 on Saturday night my dad took the phone.
He said, "Tina, just need to ask you something and I need a direct answer. (long pause)... Are you okay?"
"Yeah, why?" I laughed and it wasn't too genuine...
"You've called us 5 times this weekend. You haven't called us this many times since your first week at UCA your junior year."
I laughed some more. "Yeah, that is pretty funny. No, I'm okay! Thanks though for being concerned."
We carried on with our conversation as I asked for all the details regarding their weekend at home with out me. Before the conversation was over my dad pressed the subject further.
"Honey, are you sure? I just want you to be happy. Are you happy?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I love you dad, thanks!"
Click.
I hung up and suddenly felt alone. It was Saturday night, 7:00 and I was in my pajamas laying in bed. Waiting for sleep to take me over so I could wake up and devote my entire tomorrow to homework.
Then what? What would I do the next day? School, work, homework... and it goes on everyday. All week long.
Just wandering.
Wandering from one day to the next. Alone. Without a real purpose.
Just wandering...

I never thought I would be at this place in life. Looking back 10 years I never imagined I would be here. I had drawn a defined picture of what life would be like at the age of 20. This is nothing like what I had drawn for myself back then.
A lonely wanderer?
I know what I need. I need a newly revised vision!
My once defined visions have become a little blurry.
So my game plan is to really focus on a vision.
Draw out something that is in focus.
I'll share some of that when I get another burst of self-reflection:)

Comments

  1. HillaryNovember 3, 2009 at 5:26 PM

    KV,
    Do something fun and exciting for yourself. You need to reward yourself every week for a job well done. Patty Mccoy once gave a sermon on giving yourself something to look forward to everyday, so everyday is a GREAT day. I did that for awhile when I was doing really bad, and it seriously made the day better. Even if it is as simple as giving someone a hug, buying some stranger coffee, taking a nap...go crazy! Patty is a smart guy, I love his wisdom lol. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. EMILY STARNovember 4, 2009 at 12:07 AM

    Hey Tina, thanks for coming by, i'll tell you we will have a good weekend. i could use some tina time....rigggggghhhhtttt.... NOW! Loveyou much tina, em

    ReplyDelete
  3. MissyNovember 4, 2009 at 2:11 AM

    Tina, I know that exact empty, kind of wandering without a purpose feeling. Maybe you are being your own worst enemy - being too harsh, and too critical on yourself. Because from where I stand I see an amazing person, full of talent, and kindess, full of heart just ready to blossom at whatever you want. I see big things ahead Tina! If you don't feel like believing in yourself just yet, know that I and all your friends and family believe in you with all our hearts!

    I have been meaning to call you for days, and EVERYDAY I think "Tiiinnna!". Tomorrow I have a day off - no work, no study, nothing. Free. I'll call, and if you're not there, I'll keep on calling til I reach you :)

    Love you lots xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. NicholasNovember 4, 2009 at 8:51 AM

    Goodness Tina. We should talk.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Carley TrueloveNovember 4, 2009 at 6:22 PM

    Hi Tina,

    Alot of times in your 20's you will feel like your 'wandering'..sometimes in a specific direction, sometimes with no direction. I think its kinda tough time in life because there is SO much to figure out. So many decisions to be made, so many options to choose from, places to go..ect. Don't get discouraged because even though we may not be close, I'm pretty sure your wandering in the right direction. Which sometimes any direction could be right and you just don't know it. Anyways, I think your awesome and I wish I knew you better. I hope your not offended that I blocked you from following one of my blogs, you can read it if you want, but what I write is pretty personal so I didn't make it too public. Hope that doesn't bother you :) I hope you have an excellent rest of the week, and strength and direction flow your way

    ~Carley

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

seize a friend and fly away

-
Image
A poster I saw at Pike's Place this weekend. I'm SO ready to fly there.  Carpe Diem "Be happy, happy, happy,  And seize the day of pleasure" - Robert Frost I was talking with my friend Eric, whom I co-direct programming with for MiVoden, this weekend on our trip to Seattle. He was talking about looking at everything for the first time, really living in the present. He challenged me to go outside and look at nature without thinking about what I've known or been taught about it from the past, or what I think for the future, but to look at it for what I see now. I love that. So, today I went for a bike ride and looked at everything for the first time. The only problem is that there are too many things, so to prevent any possible anxiety I quickly looked at the Blue Jay flying past me. I wondered why God created him with such a long tail, why his colors were a mix of white, blue and black, or how many feathers did he have. Just really looking at him. There's ...
Read more

Holy Plans

-
So this week was a week of God revealing His HOLY plans. "Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you." - Jeremiah 1:5 21 years ago God knew that on Wednesday , August 11 , 2010 I would be transitioning from a holy week at Priest spent with two awesome friends to the rest of a holy summer spent at a summer camp. He knew on this day I would open my eyes to the passions he placed inside of me, recognize my fears, and step away to follow his calling. Holy plans. They are real and happen when we search and wait. PS - I'm so excited to start my Elementary Exploratory class in a few weeks.
Read more

Those days...

-
Image
"How near to good is what is WILD!"  - Thoreau Over the past several years, as I've grown into this feminine figure, I've pulled myself away from good things. Some mornings, I look in the mirror and feel guilty for not looking like the girl on the magazine,  What's wrong with you? You need to exercise more.  Or when I'm sitting in class and I don't understand what everyone else understands, Ah, you're so dumb.   I'm critical, super critical of myself. Plus, I'm a sucker for guilt. Vacation me with guilt and you're guaranteed to get your way. Some days I don't even want to leave my house and if I have to... please, maybe nobody will see me today. Today I was reflecting on the days before this was a problem. The days when I would cry, not because of my lack in looks, brains or style, but because the boys wouldn't let a girl play football. The days when dad would get home from work and I'd run out to his truck in my flowered span...
Read more