Wandering

-
I guess I would call this past weekend a long weekend. It was packed full. For the most part. And when I called my parents at 6:30 on Saturday night my dad took the phone.
He said, "Tina, just need to ask you something and I need a direct answer. (long pause)... Are you okay?"
"Yeah, why?" I laughed and it wasn't too genuine...
"You've called us 5 times this weekend. You haven't called us this many times since your first week at UCA your junior year."
I laughed some more. "Yeah, that is pretty funny. No, I'm okay! Thanks though for being concerned."
We carried on with our conversation as I asked for all the details regarding their weekend at home with out me. Before the conversation was over my dad pressed the subject further.
"Honey, are you sure? I just want you to be happy. Are you happy?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I love you dad, thanks!"
Click.
I hung up and suddenly felt alone. It was Saturday night, 7:00 and I was in my pajamas laying in bed. Waiting for sleep to take me over so I could wake up and devote my entire tomorrow to homework.
Then what? What would I do the next day? School, work, homework... and it goes on everyday. All week long.
Just wandering.
Wandering from one day to the next. Alone. Without a real purpose.
Just wandering...

I never thought I would be at this place in life. Looking back 10 years I never imagined I would be here. I had drawn a defined picture of what life would be like at the age of 20. This is nothing like what I had drawn for myself back then.
A lonely wanderer?
I know what I need. I need a newly revised vision!
My once defined visions have become a little blurry.
So my game plan is to really focus on a vision.
Draw out something that is in focus.
I'll share some of that when I get another burst of self-reflection:)

Comments

  1. HillaryNovember 3, 2009 at 5:26 PM

    KV,
    Do something fun and exciting for yourself. You need to reward yourself every week for a job well done. Patty Mccoy once gave a sermon on giving yourself something to look forward to everyday, so everyday is a GREAT day. I did that for awhile when I was doing really bad, and it seriously made the day better. Even if it is as simple as giving someone a hug, buying some stranger coffee, taking a nap...go crazy! Patty is a smart guy, I love his wisdom lol. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. EMILY STARNovember 4, 2009 at 12:07 AM

    Hey Tina, thanks for coming by, i'll tell you we will have a good weekend. i could use some tina time....rigggggghhhhtttt.... NOW! Loveyou much tina, em

    ReplyDelete
  3. MissyNovember 4, 2009 at 2:11 AM

    Tina, I know that exact empty, kind of wandering without a purpose feeling. Maybe you are being your own worst enemy - being too harsh, and too critical on yourself. Because from where I stand I see an amazing person, full of talent, and kindess, full of heart just ready to blossom at whatever you want. I see big things ahead Tina! If you don't feel like believing in yourself just yet, know that I and all your friends and family believe in you with all our hearts!

    I have been meaning to call you for days, and EVERYDAY I think "Tiiinnna!". Tomorrow I have a day off - no work, no study, nothing. Free. I'll call, and if you're not there, I'll keep on calling til I reach you :)

    Love you lots xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. NicholasNovember 4, 2009 at 8:51 AM

    Goodness Tina. We should talk.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Carley BrownNovember 4, 2009 at 6:22 PM

    Hi Tina,

    Alot of times in your 20's you will feel like your 'wandering'..sometimes in a specific direction, sometimes with no direction. I think its kinda tough time in life because there is SO much to figure out. So many decisions to be made, so many options to choose from, places to go..ect. Don't get discouraged because even though we may not be close, I'm pretty sure your wandering in the right direction. Which sometimes any direction could be right and you just don't know it. Anyways, I think your awesome and I wish I knew you better. I hope your not offended that I blocked you from following one of my blogs, you can read it if you want, but what I write is pretty personal so I didn't make it too public. Hope that doesn't bother you :) I hope you have an excellent rest of the week, and strength and direction flow your way

    ~Carley

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Just the facts...

-
So here's the news. Not good. Not bad. Just straight up facts. (Facts from a girl on oxycodone and emotionally ... well, slightly unstable and a little heartbroken.) Argentina is in the rear view mirror now - this means no traveling for a long while, the thing I love most. No walking for 6 weeks - who knows when I'll run again, the thing I love most after traveling. Several months of physical therapy for a stapled MCL, replaced ACL, a sewn meniscus and fractured femur. (I've always had weak bones, so it doesn't surprise me.) 45 minute surgery turned into a 2 hour surgery, not as scary as I thought. Trampolines are dangerous and I will never jump on one again. I'll be back at WWU this quarter, possibly in a wheelchair? Not sure what classes I can take yet. My friends are the best. They've called, visited, emailed, and prayed. Most of all, I've got the best Father, who tells me: "Come to me, I know you're weak and have found life burdensome
Read more

Thank you

-
Image
I'm afraid of losing a good thing, until I remember the days before. I forget that nothing was ever mine and each good thing truly is a big present wrapped up with ribbons and attached to it a note that says, "I love you, my daughter." I too often, take for granted those gifts. With each step along this journey there have been gifts, some small, some huge, and some I misinterpret all together.  Today, in this commonly warm inland empire it rained under dark, heavy clouds, drawing me back to my Western Oregon root. This week I'll be leaving this sunny state, where I've received blessing after blessing with my hands wide open, desperately reaching out. I hadn't expected so many good things at one time. I hadn't expected that it would become commonplace here in this big sunny state. The last thing I had expected was to fall in love with this smoggy, crowded, hot hell of a place. Love is a thing for the strong. Macrina Wiederkehr writes: Giving yo
Read more

ArgenTINA Here She Comes

-
Image
These past few weeks have been spent packing, amazoning, moving, and preparing for a quarter at an Adventist college in Argentina. YES! I love going to new places! I get so excited that I sometimes forget to pack really important things (a toothbrush, underwear, shoes, phone chargers), or I forget to say goodbye to really important people, or finalize school registration, sign important papers, email professors, schedule flights (not good). I remember packing for my trip to India  3 ½ years ago where I was moving to teach at a boarding school for 9 months. I made a checklist, but only packed half the list and when I got to India, it was good that I packed light because I didn't need much and I lived out of my suitcase. But I wished I could have somehow packed in my bags some extra courage, a pop-up friend, or a teleporting device. Loneliness seemed to be the only thing that came out of my big suitcase. Today I read an excerpt from Henri Nouwen on loneliness:  Riding on top o
Read more